The 2009 Kitty Olympics

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. The reason, it seems, is that the 2009 Kitty Olympics are taking place in my house! And while I’m honored to be hosting the games, (who wouldn’t be?), I am losing quite a bit of sleep. Cats, as most of you know, are nocturnal which means that they sleep in fat, furry, globs all over the house all day while we’re at work, and look for ways to amuse themselves at night when we’re trying to get that much needed rest.

Do they appreciate us? Yes, they most certainly do! They show their appreciation in so many interesting ways. There’s the “look what I killed for you” gift of appreciation. These little treasures can show up almost anywhere! On the front walk, on the patio, in the garage, even floating in the pool. I’m especially fond of the pre-digested gifts, regurgitated to insure optimum freshness. My kitties are very considerate that way. And then there’s the “I Appreciate You Massage”. I’m telling you, there’s just nothing quite like thousands of needle fine cat claws massaging my back when I’m drifting off to sleep. Invigorating doesn’t even begin to describe it! And let us not forget the moonlight serenade – how romantic and heartwarming! My darling kitties love to wait until I get comfortable in bed or on the sofa with a good book and then they start singing away! They sing “Let me in or I’ll claw another hole in the screen” and “I swallowed too much fur while bathing and I’m going to yak on your daughter’s bed” and “I want to be on the other side of the door.” That’s my favorite.

Anyway, back to the Kitty Olympics: I’d like to fill you in on some of the events taking place this week, they’ve been loads of fun to observe. There’s the 20 Yard Dash and Slide down the hallway from one end of the house to the other. The preliminary heats are just plain fun to watch, especially when my bedroom door is shut. Crash! Slam! Thud! The finals are tonight, I believe, I’ll have to keep an ear out for the warm-up exercises. The warm-up for this event consists of spitting, swatting and wailing at each other.

Another event I just love is the Kitty High Jump. You think people can jump high? Ha! They have to use a pole! Kitties can simply launch themselves into the air and voila! They are on top of the refrigerator. Or spring! And they’re on top of the china cabinet! Depending on the physique of the cats competing, there can sometimes be some pretty ugly scrabbling to get the highest perch. Our 20 pounder, Reno, cannot achieve the same heights as his nimbler and lighter sibling, Tiger. So the gold medal (which is the best spot at the highest place in the house) goes to Tiger every time.

One event that I never seem to get to see, but I hear it taking place, is Kitty Table Tennis. This event is very simple, really, it involves two cats, at opposing ends of a table or counter top, swatting every single thing they can find onto the floor. After they’re through, they move to the next game, Kitty Hockey, wherein everything that was on the table or counter now gets swatted all over the house until someone manages to score a goal by knocking it under the refrigerator, stove or china cabinet.

Now here’s a game that I thought I’d never see again after I finished grade school, but apparently cats have adopted it as their own and given it an interesting twist. The Staring Game. You remember, two people stare into each other’s eyes until one of them blinks, thereby losing the game. Cats have expanded on this game and, dare I say, perfected it, in a Steven King Creepy kind of way. There is Singles Staring and then the truly horrifying Team Staring and they go like this: in Singles Staring one cat leaps onto the bed, sits on my chest and stares at a spot on the wall slightly above my head. If I choose to ignore said cat (which can be very hard depending on which cat is camped out on my chest) the cat may start making a noise which can only be described as moaning-chirping. If you’ve heard it you know what I mean, otherwise just trust me when I say it’s disturbing. Usually this causes me to reach for my glasses to try and see what exactly is on the wall just above my head. And I usually have to try and reach the light which, again depending on which cat is planted on me, can be difficult. I don’t want to move too much and disturb whatever is on the wall because that might cause it to drop onto me. The whole event can take anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes depending on how tired I was before the event and how persistent the cat is. Now Team Staring is more fast-paced. Nothing makes me move like two or three cats sitting on me staring at the wall/ceiling/floor and moaning/chirping. The light comes on, the glasses are donned and I’m down the hall headed for a bug swatter in no time flat. I usually get back in time to see the cats settled comfortably on my pillow and my side of the bed, sedately licking themselves as if nothing ever happened.

I’ll let you know how the events unfold. From what I can tell, Reno has the best times in the Dash and Slide but Valentine (also known as Porkahontas) has the best scores for form. There’s a chunk of her fur half way down the hall. Tiger is in the lead in the High Jump, naturally, but don’t dismiss Reno yet. I’ve seen him knock Tiger out of the lead before, it could happen again!